Sinners

April 10, 2021

Once upon a time I broke one of the Ten Commandments. And I had fun doing it, though later I had second thoughts about my sin.

I was reminded of my transgression this week as I finished reading Tolstoy’s novel Anna Karenina. Anna was a wealthy woman of the Russian aristocracy who allowed herself to be seduced by a rich cavalry officer, Count Vronsky. The problem was that she was already married, with an eight year old son, and Russian high society and the Russian Orthodox Church did not approve of extramarital affairs. Anna was unhappy with her marriage, and chose to abandon her husband and son in favor of the dashing Count Vronsky, thereby bringing shame and humiliation upon herself. Spoiler alert: I’m about to give away the ending of a 150 year old novel – Anna committed suicide by throwing herself under a moving train.

How did Anna’s choices remind me of my own behavior? Almost 40 years ago I met a very attractive, sexy woman who flirted extensively with me after a Buddhist meeting. Flattered, I went with the flow, only to have her disclose that she was married. Upon learning that fact, I at first declined to proceed with our intended illicit rendezvous. But she assured me that our having sex would be OK, because her husband was having lots of affairs, so why shouldn’t she have one? Persuaded by that logic, I invited her to my place, where we did not discuss Buddhist philosophy.

At some point during our brief affair she informed me that if her hot-tempered Latin American husband found out about our non-religious encounters, he would kill me. I thought it was worth the risk, but decided to break off our aerobic workouts after she started obsessively calling me every day at work. I knew I wasn’t that good in bed, so her neurotic and driven behavior caused me to conclude that our physical therapy sessions were not worth being shot by a jealous husband.

As a single man, was I wrong to have sex with a married woman? As an unhappily married woman, was Anna wrong to get it on with the Count?

I confess that I don’t feel guilty about what I did. Maybe I’m rationalizing sexual misconduct, but as my paramour said, her husband was cheating on her left and right, so their marriage was rocky well before I came along. Was anyone – the husband, the wife, or I – harmed by my naughty pleasure? I don’t think so. Yet she was not being honest with her husband, and I helped her in her dishonesty, so perhaps I did contribute to the deterioration of their marriage. Our brief adventure ended weirdly, causing me to reflect that maybe I had not handled the energy of the situation wisely.

Anna was young and foolish. I was young and foolish. Would I be susceptible to that kind of fantasy encounter now, in my late 60’s? I don’t know, but I doubt it. Yet I can’t rule it out. I’m not as horny as I was 40 years ago, and I’ve lost my youthful good looks, so women don’t come on to me anymore. For better or for worse, such temptations seem to be entirely behind me. But if I met the right woman, and she was married, what would I do? I hope that I don’t have to find out. It’s probably best to let sleeping dogs lie.

As to what Anna and I did in the past, I’ll let Jesus have the last word. As he said to those who asked him how he would judge an adulterous woman, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”