Calling Miss Manners

September 17, 2019

Is it just me, or does it seem that there’s an increasing need for an etiquette advice columnist to teach people how to behave in public?

Four nights ago I was ushering at the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa for a sold out performance of the rock n roll band Steely Dan. The crowd seemed unusually restless, even for rock fans, though rock and country music audiences are not known for being as well behaved as classical music aficionados.

Even so, I was surprised when an agitated woman approached me and demanded that I eject eight people sitting in the row in front of her for continually getting up in the middle of songs to buy beer or wine or go to the bathroom or otherwise fail to sit still. I commiserated with her, agreeing that it’s inconsiderate and rude to continually disrupt another person’s view, but I had to explain that we can’t kick people out of the venue just for being thoughtless.

Later in the show, many people stood up to dance in front of their seats, blocking the view of the stage for the people behind them. The more courteous patrons moved to the aisles or to the back of the hall to dance.

Since the complaining woman, the people in front of her, and 99% of the patrons were all white, racial and cultural factors were not an issue in this instance. But sometimes race and culture do play a role in social frictions.

About four years ago an incident on the Napa Valley Wine Train received national attention when a group of mostly black women were kicked off the train for being too noisy. They claimed that it was racial discrimination, but one of their detractors said that their “ghetto” behavior was at fault. Sounds to me like it might have been more of a class issue than a race issue, though cultural differences probably played a role as well. But who decides what is appropriate behavior in public? Can we agree on what constitutes respectful conduct and good manners, or in a multicultural society is it impossible to achieve such a consensus?

Several years ago I was in Jaipur, India, with a tour group. Our tour guide Bishal wanted us to have the experience of seeing a Bollywood movie in a theater packed with locals. He told us to forget about the plot and just watch the audience and their reactions, and sure enough the audience was a big part of the show. The sold out theater was full of families and teenagers. As the romantic film began and the male and female leads appeared, cheers and whistles and applause erupted and continued sporadically throughout the movie. These folks were loaded for bear. Bishal later said that had the movie been a comedy or action flick, the audience would have been even more raucous. As it was, the young men in front of us continually checked their cell phones, and the lighted phone screens were a major distraction. Not that I could understand the Hindi dialogue, though I did want to watch the dances and listen to the music. The teenage boys behind us were loud jerks throughout the movie, but fortunately I had made up my mind to let go of expectations and just enjoy the entire experience, so I was successful in not resisting the inconsiderate behavior of the rowdies and therefore had a good time.

While visiting Bombay the following year I was invited to attend a more elegant Bollywood event, and there the educated and refined Indians behaved as politely as one would expect from their economic class, in sharp contrast to their more plebeian countrymen in Jaipur. Once again it seems that education and social class are better predictors of personal conduct than are nationality or race.

But the current occupant of the White House is the worst model of social behavior that I’ve ever seen in a public figure, and he has the advantages of wealth and privilege that make his lack of manners inexcusable. Character trumps class. And character trumps Trump.

Whether it’s at a concert venue in Santa Rosa, a movie theater in Jaipur, a wine train in Napa, or the White House in Washington, I appreciate respect for others in communal situations. I may be a snob, or simply a dinosaur, but I prefer decorum in public. Agreeing upon what constitutes respectful and acceptable social behavior, however, is an eternally debatable proposition. But I think that most folks would agree that more etiquette would be helpful.

Forget the Democrats and Republicans. I’m voting for Miss Manners for President.