The War Within

December 28, 2018

Yesterday I had a meltdown. It wasn’t pretty. But I suppose meltdowns never are.

My supervisor had called me for a routine report call, and our civil exchange of information quickly deteriorated into a rant by yours truly. I wasn’t angry at her, because we get along well and she had done nothing to provoke me. I was angry at our project management for ongoing software problems which had stressed me out the night before. I guess I just wanted to vent to her, but my frustration boiled over and I indulged in an expletive-laden tirade which so upset her that I quickly realized I had gone too far and apologized profusely for crossing a line that I hadn’t intended to cross. To her credit, she was gracious in expressing her understanding and her empathy with my complaints. But I thought, wow, my behavior was ugly – where did that negative emotion come from?

Today while driving to an interview appointment for my job, I was listening to a talk radio show on NPR. Its guests were African Americans discussing the hostility they feel toward police. Their rage and bitterness were toxic, and I shut off the radio. But I couldn’t help but realize that, for different reasons, I too sometimes feel similar emotions, just as I did yesterday in my brief but spectacular volcanic eruption.

Where does all this anger come from? Some people would argue that it’s caused by outside forces such as social injustice, workplace tensions, or economic or political stressors. While there may be some truth to those explanations, I’m inclined to think that internal psychological dynamics are a deeper source of the pain.

Coincidentally or not, today I just happened to bring with me to work a book by the Vietnamese writer and monk Thich Nhat Hanh entitled Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. It’s a book I’ve been meaning to re-read for some time. One of the perks of my job is that I get to read while my respondents are answering our survey questionnaire on my laptop.

The author states that there are various origins for our anger, among them external influences such as toxic TV and newspapers or parents transmitting their wounds to their children. But he also says that anger is a natural and inevitable part of the human experience, and that we shouldn’t suppress it. Rather, we should embrace it by breathing mindfully or walking mindfully outdoors or being more present in the moment. He says we can transform anger into understanding, compassion, and positive energy. But first we need to love ourselves before we can love others.

Nothing that I haven’t heard before. But he says it so simply and sweetly that he makes me want to slow down and savor each moment so that, when anger arises, I have the wisdom to turn inward and turn my inner garbage into compost for a field of flowers.

Will I remember to do this the next time my anger starts to erupt? I don’t know. All I can ever do is just keep practicing being mindful and keep practicing forgiveness of self and others. And keep listening to and aligning with my inner being. Someday I hope to heal the war within, thereby bringing peace on earth or at least peace in my little corner of the planet. Luckily I don’t think I have to do all that in one lifetime. And that takes the pressure off. So I might as well have fun now. After all, we only live ten thousand times.