Komorebi

September 19, 2024

I was looking forward to a reunion with two longtime friends. But when we finally met for breakfast two days ago, the result was bittersweet.

I’ve known Bart and Monty (not their real names) since the 1960’s, when the three of us were young men devoted to a Buddhist mass movement. All three of us have continued our Buddhist practice, but we now live hours apart in different areas of northern California. And only one of us remains involved with the organization that was once so important to all of us.

Now in our seventies, we know that we don’t have many years left in our current bodies and personalities before we trade them in for new models. So it’s understandable that we would spend a couple of hours laughing and reminiscing about the past.

Except that there was little laughter in our “conversation.”

Monty and I were dismayed to discover that Bart had no curiosity about or interest in our lives. The two hour reunion was an extended monologue by Bart about his stories from the past and his current involvement with his Buddhist cult. Bart didn’t talk with Monty or me – he talked off of us, bouncing his memories and his opinions against his dumbfounded audience of two.

Last night Monty and I spoke by phone to process our disappointment in the outcome of our much anticipated reunion. Monty was understandably shocked and offended by Bart’s cavalier treatment of us and his dogmatic approach to life. We both realized belatedly that perhaps the three of us had never really been friends, only comrades in a common cause, and that our relationships had been superficial and maybe even delusional. Both of us acknowledged how depressed we were as we each drove home separately after the encounter.

But I couldn’t help but wonder what had caused Bart to go from a passionate youthful idealist living for the future to a jaded fanatic with no social skills who is living mostly in the past. Is it his dead-end low-wage job that has robbed him of hope? His failed marriages? Is he lonely, alienated, despairing? Or is it some form of age-related cognitive decline? He reminds me of a classmate of mine who went from being a high school football star to a depressed alcoholic for whom high school was the high point of his life. Both of them are lost boys who never really grew up.

It’s easy to judge someone else’s life choices or karma. But there is much that we don’t really understand about ourselves, let alone our fellow humans.

There is a Japanese nature image known as komorebi, which refers to the shimmering light and shadows caused by sunlight peeking through the shade of trees. This contrast of beauty and darkness is a good metaphor for the human condition.

Two days ago I saw the melancholy shadows of Bart’s personality. But I will never forget the light of his soul that I caught glimpses of so long ago, and that I believe still shines above the forest canopy of his current incarnation.