The Grass is Always Greener

April 29, 2022

I don’t usually think of myself as a social climber, but this week I found myself questioning my motives as I considered whether or not to be open to a friendship with a rich man.

Mike (not his real name) is technically no longer wealthy after a messy divorce, some legal problems, and other financial setbacks. But he expects to be rich again – very rich – and if he was truthful with me about his prospects, he likely will be riding high on the hog again before very long.

I choose my friendships based on chemistry, shared interests, and personal character, and my friends range from upper middle class to poor. It makes no difference to me whether or not they have money. But a few days ago I was temporarily lured not so much by money as by a sense of adventure as I contemplated the possibility of hanging out with Mike and his high roller associates.

I went to Mike’s house in the California wine country to interview him once again for the health study that I’ve been working on for the last nine years. This was the second time I’ve interviewed him, and the first time we met he offered me a job working for him on one of his business ventures. This was just before the pandemic, and fortunately I declined to accept his proposal. As I drove over fire-scarred mountains and through vineyard-filled valleys, I wondered if this time he would make me an offer I couldn’t refuse, or whether I might turn him down again.

He lives with his second wife who is half his age and with their young son in a large house on several acres on a ridge that has a spectacular view of snow-capped mountains and vineyards as far as you can see. This time I discovered that the interior of the house and its surrounding landscaping were all torn up for extensive renovations, as Mike is spending a small fortune to transform his property into a showcase mini resort. Before we could sit down for the interview, he insisted on giving me an hourlong tour of his home remodel and his future vineyards and outdoor entertainment center.

As we walked throughout the house and drove around his land in a “side by side” ATV (All Terrain Vehicle), he regaled me with tales of his past and future business successes, his high IQ, his many inventions one of which he estimates will earn him between 250 and 300 million dollars, and his former $8 million mansion in the Silicon Valley frequented by judges and politicians that his first wife caused him to lose.

I couldn’t tell whether his stories were based on reality or imagination or some mixture of the two, but I enjoyed listening to his bragging and his grandiose visions for his future. He may have a giant ego, but he also seemed to have the skills and the smarts to realize his ambitions.

As we made our way around his future Shangri-La, I couldn’t help wondering why he was spending so much time with me, and why he felt the need to impress a low roller of my ilk. Was he going to pitch me again on the idea of working for him, or was he bored and in need of an audience or a friend?

At one point Mike had mentioned that he had grown up in an impoverished and violent home, and that in spite of his current affluence he was still a regular guy who was not impressed by social status. After hearing his previous stories about what a high achiever he is, I found it rather unlikely that he really thinks that he’s a normal Joe, but he seemed to believe that version of himself, so for the time being I took him at his word.

We finally settled down into huge easy chairs so that he could answer the survey questions on my government laptop. While we sat there, he turned on YouTube TV and played some beautiful music videos of Mexican pop-rock and folk singer Natalia La Fourcade and Dutch pop and jazz singer Caro Emerald. I had never heard of either woman, but loved their music, and as I listened to his superb sound system and gazed out the picture window at sweeping views of mountains and valleys it occurred to me that this driven entrepreneur was showing me landscape panoramas and musical vistas that seemed to suggest endless possibilities for the future. Was I being bewitched by his abundance, or was I seducing myself by projecting onto him my own fantasies of the lifestyles of the rich and famous?

Once he finished the survey, it was time for me to leave. He told me that he wanted me to come back to visit him in a few weeks so that I can see the finished home remodel, and I readily agreed. And I meant it. I will gladly return if I’m invited, because I’d be curious to see how he’s transformed his property into his dream home.

But somehow I doubt that he’ll really follow through. I suspect that we both know that there is little or no basis for a real friendship. I’m always up for meeting new people and having new adventures, and I guess that’s why I’d like to go back there and see his fancy new house and be open to new music or a job offer or something unexpected. But would I be using him to explore his upper class world? Would he be using me to fill a friendship void? Do I envy him, or pity him? Do I really want to sample his life in the fast lane, or am I afraid that I’d be ensnared by his materialism?

I may never see Mike again. But if he calls, I’m off to see the wizard… of ahhhs.